This is the 1st time since Friday that I have been able to sit down and try to write about loosing him. It doesn't matter how much you prepare for something like this, your heart is never ready for the amount of pain it takes to say goodbye.
Shadow had started struggling with laminitis again last weekend. He was noticeably sore and his pulse was up on Saturday afternoon so I put him in his stall and gave him bute. By Sunday morning he was fine. As the week went on he was having pain on and off, nothing alarming, so I just watched him and did what I could to make him comfortable when it was needed. Late Thursday afternoon as he was walking across the paddock I saw him start to struggle with walking. He managed to get himself to me and I helped him get into a stall. He was comfortable enough in the stall to stay standing and he was able to move around slowly.
I gave him more bute hoping that by Friday he would be okay. Deep down I knew that this time he probably wouldn't be. He was in too much pain, this time it was bad. I had made him and myself a promise that the next time this happened I would put him down. He didn't deserve anymore pain and he didn't deserve to live like this anymore. When I saw him Friday morning I took him out of the stall, every step was extremely painful. The decision had been made, it was time and I really believe that he was ready. He didn't want to live like this anymore than I could stand to watch it.
The vet was called, arrangements were made to bury him, and then I spent the day waiting. It was a day that I don't think I can put into words. I had given Shadow enough bute and banamine to help with the pain while standing in the stall, knowing that he was comfortable helped. I was lucky to have the day to say goodbye. I would go between the house and the barn, doing office work for a distraction when I needed it and then spending time with Shadow. Somebody was here working on the trailer and needed some tools and help, that was also a good distraction. But having the whole day was also horrible. It was one of the longest days of my life, an emotional roller coaster. I was on auto pilot, everything was ready but I'm not sure that I really believed it was going to happen. I think we must go into some kind of protection mode to keep from going into shock. There were times that I couldn't breathe and the pain was overwhelming. But I also felt numb, like it wasn't real.
The vet arrived around 5:00. It was the same vet that had been taking care of him for the last 3 years. I was very grateful for that. She was wonderful with Shadow...and me. When the time came she worked quickly but was also kind and soft. Shadow's last moments were without pain and with a mouthful of clover.
As hard as it was I never felt like I was making a mistake. And even now that it is over and my pony is gone I still know it was the right thing to do. I suppose I could have continued to give him the pain meds, he may have pulled out of it again. But it would have happened again. When we take on the responsibility of an animal for life we also take on the responsibility of their death. I once heard somebody say that we can't have love without pain. Making the decision to let him go was up to now the most painful decision I have ever had to make. But I made it because I love him.
I don't think I could ever describe the bond that Shadow and I shared. Even in the last couple of years when I wasn't riding him anymore we could still read each others thoughts, the communication between us was amazing. He was truly a gift and I will be forever grateful for having him in my life.
So for now, I am going through each day trying to stay busy. The tears come a lot and I don't even try to stop them. I miss him just as much as I thought I would and maybe soon there will be a day that I can smile when I think of him and the tears won't come. He gave me so much to smile about. He was a wonderful friend.
