Searching

Searching is basically setting it up so the horse will think (search) for an answer. When Chance was at Libby's June clinic we decided to try a 'search' with him. This was something I knew nothing about but it sounded fun. I was going to sit up on the fence and Chance was going to come pick me up. He wouldn't have a halter on and no lead line. He would have to come to me freely, I would sit up on the fence and he would come pick me up. Chance would know the answer to this, he and I had played on the fence many times before. He knew this game and I really thought it was going to be easy. Chance would come to me in just a couple of minutes and then we would do something else. What really happened changed my life.

So here goes, I whispered in his ear, "I'll be over there on the fence, come get me." I went to the other side of the round pen and climbed up. What I thought would be a couple of minutes turned into an hour and a half. Chance stayed on the other side of the round pen and looked around a little but didn't go far. I sat up there and made a fuss with the halter when his attention went away from me. At first this was funny, every time I made a fuss he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I could almost read his mind "What the heck is wrong with you lady? You have really lost it!" Apparently this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, Chance really didn't understand what I was doing.

The fuss with the halter just wasn't enough to get his attention. He looked kind of lost, and very confused. Libby wanted something that made more noise, we filled water bottles with small rocks and shook them when we needed to get his attention. This wasn't working either, so I tossed one at him and it bounced off the side of his butt. That was when I got the 1st real look from him that started to break my heart. He just didn't know what to do. Then he started bucking. He would walk in small circles to the left and buck, over and over again. The only way Chance knew how to relieve pressure was by shutting down or bucking. This was so hard to watch. He had been so shut down that he didn't know how to search. And it was very clear that he didn't have a lot of trust in me to help him, he was staying as far away from me as he could. Chance's life was all about tolerating things, people and pressure until he couldn't do it anymore and then he would explode.

This continued for what seemed to be forever. I wanted to get down and go hug my horse, I wanted this to stop. But I really knew he had to work through this. Just maybe if he could figure out that trying something other than what he was doing would stop the pressure, he might just learn that shutting down wasn't the only way to feel better. I couldn't fix this for him, this was his struggle and it was the only way to get him to the other side of the world he had been living in. I had to trust that the end result of this was going to be worth it. I would have stayed on that fence for days if I had to.

Everything and everyone except for my horse and Libby's voice had gone away. This was killing me, I didn't know what to think anymore, I really just wanted to cry. After about 1 1/2 hrs, Chance finally turned and really looked at me. The bucking stopped, the circles stopped and he started to walk to me. Very, very slowly. He finally did something different. He got close enough and I climbed down off the fence. I put his halter on, took his saddle off and walked him back to his paddock. I gave him hay, checked his water and left him alone to rest. It wasn't until I left the paddock when I broke down. I didn't know that the other women watching were emotional, honestly I think I forgot they were all there. And at first I was surprised by the amount of emotion from everyone else, I didn't realize how this had an effect on them too. I found out later that what happened that day changed everyone in many different ways.

A little while later I put Chance out into the big ring to stretch his legs. He was walking differently, taking bigger steps. He was looking around more and seemed to be taking in the world around him in. I didn't say anything to anyone, I just watched him. Then the next day when it was my turn with Chance again somebody else noticed how he looked different. More aware of what was going on around him he had a better look about him. Our session the next day was a short one, I can't even remember what we did. I just know that he looked and felt great. And he has looked and felt great ever since. And things keep getting better. He still shuts down at times, but not very often and now I'm aware of it when it happens. I can help him not shut down. He also expresses himself so much more. Recently he got mad for the 1st time, and I can't count the number of times he yawns everyday. He notices little things, like the squirrels playing across the street and he wants to smell and look at everthing he can. It's like he's seeing the world for the 1st time. It's now February and he's still yawning, alot! I guess he has years of yawning to make up for!

It has taken me 8 months to put Chance's search into words. And even now I continue to come up with new thoughts and feelings about that day. Until recently I would get sad when I thought of that day, and sometimes I still do, but now I smile because it changed so much for Chance and I in so many ways. It taught me to be more thoughtful about the way I work with my horses, they have to be mentally part of everything we ask of them no matter how little. And to feel good about what we do. I have a lot of work to do to break old habits and change some things I do. I think though, that I'm really learning. You can't live though an experience like that and stay the same. I feel better, through my horse I've learned to stop shutting down, and I didn't even know I was shutting down. Chance has changed my life, I'm so unbelievably lucky to have him. And the best part is we have many years ahead, lots to learn and many trails to ride on this journey.