Vet appt. and Lyme test

Chance had his teeth floated today and some chiro. work. He had a few things out of place and Dr. Dave put them back for now. I also got his lyme disease results, positive. He will start the doxycycline (spelling?) when I get it in a couple of days. This answers so many questions about his behavior! I'm relieved to know he has it and a little worried about the future because lyme is such a confusing disease. But for now I'll treat him, hope for the best and do some research.

Breathing

I've come across the subject of breathing quite a bit lately. Which has made me try to be more aware of mine, not just when working with horses but in everyday life. I found that I hold my breath a lot. I don't realize I'm doing it and I can't say how long I hold it. What happens is I will be really focused on something and sometime in the middle of what I'm doing I realize I'm not breathing. This is something I really need to work on.

My Goal

My ultimate goal with Chance is to take him anywhere I want, with or without another horse just because I can. And while we are out doing whatever it is we happen to be doing, it will be fun for both of us. I won't put a time limit on this goal (that would be unreasonable) but I do believe it will happen. One day I will look back on this blog and read this and smile.

Walk

Jaye and I took the horses out for a walk today. We saw lots of scary stuff, a big excavator and a cement truck. My big project when I walk Chance is to stay aware of how often he gets into my space. From standing still and his head coming in to bump me to him trotting out around me and arching his body towards me. I need to be clear about the boundaries and when I need him to move. Today was fun and light-hearted, just what we needed :)

apology

I apologized to Chance today. I told him that I was sorry I haven't really believed in or trusted him. It made me feel better to say it out loud, really get it out there. And now it's gone. He was really listening when I was saying it. I could feel it. And when I finished and walked away he left the fresh pile of hay I had just put down and followed me. I started cleaning his stall and he just stood there watching me. So I stopped and walked back to him, Call me crazy but I swear I heard him say, "I'm sorry too, it's okay." I told him he had nothing to be sorry for and that he is a great horse. Then he went back to his hay. It all sounds a little crazy and even if he really didn't say what I heard, I felt it. And I have to say my heart feels a lot lighter tonight. :)

Believe

I had a few minutes to sit and watch a little TV before picking up Marissa after school. I decided to watch Oprah. Will Smith was on today, they were talking about how it felt and what it meant to them to see Obama win the election and experience history being made. Will Smith and his family video-taped the entire day, each member had a video camera, including his children. They voted together and as the results were coming in he sat in a chair with his 3 children around him. Obama was announced the winner and as he gave is acceptance speech Will Smith cried. He said he was brought up with the belief that he could do anything. His parents taught him that he was as good as anyone else, all he had to do was believe it and go do it. And he has. But...when it came to this country as hard as he tried, he wasn't really sure that an African American would actually become president. He believed it...but not really. And when it happened he said there cannot be anymore excuses, you have to believe.

In the world this is all much bigger than me and my horse. Really no comparison. But....the last few days I have spent reflecting on my relationship with Chance. Actually I just kind of put it out there, let it go, it was too heavy. I've stopped thinking so much and decided to watch him, enjoy his company and feel. What came to me as I was watching Oprah was that as badly as I want to move past this wall we keep coming to, that's all I have done. Wanted. I can picture what I want in my mind, but I don't think I have really BELIEVED it. I haven't believed in him. Or in me. I have thought of us as a person and a horse who have had some really scary things happen. As hard as we try to get past them we just don't trust enough to believe. Trust is hard for me and for Chance. We have had scary things happen to us, but if I don't believe that we will get through this or in him how is he going to believe in me? Thank you Will Smith. You never know where these messages will come from. wow. I didn't know that I didn't really believe, but I think it's time for a new outlook.