Is it Spring yet?

The wind is howling and I'm missing the warmth we had the other day.

:)

I had a nice ride on Chance today. It was the 1st time I have ridden him since Sept at Libby's clinic. A couple of days ago I put a saddle on him and did a little bit of ground work with him. The fear I was feeling in him is gone. His mouthiness is still an issue but I'm working on that. I am working on having control of his head, there is an invisible line and his mouth is not allowed to cross it unless I ask him to. If it does I become a mother mare and without putting any emotion into it I make him bring his mouth back across the line. He may bump into my elbow or my hand, and if I feel it is necessary he gets whacked. And when his mouth is back to an acceptable place it's business as usual like nothing happened. His mouthiness is totally unacceptable and I can't risk getting bit or letting him bite somebody else. If he did that to another horse the punishment would be way worse so I don't feel bad about whacking him when I see his teeth coming towards me!
Enough of that, the rest was great. I saddled him up, he does need to move his feet when the saddle is coming on but I think that will stop soon. So for now I let him move. When the saddle is on he stops after a couple of circles around me and sometimes I'll take it off and start over. He isn't holding his breath anymore, infact he'll give me a big sigh and lick his lips. The saddling went so well and I felt very safe about getting on. Jaye was here and riding Pilot which gave me more confidence. Not that she could have done a thing to stop Chance from bucking me off but having her here keeps me calm and when I'm calm the fear can't take over. And I can be a much more effective leader for Chance when I can think clearly without the fear! So I got on and we rode for about 1/2 an hour in the paddock, we went up and down the hill a couple of times and stood and watched traffic go by in one of the horses favorite places. I did make one emergency dismount but I probably didn't need to. A neighbor was jogging by and Chance got a glimpse of her head then it disappeared behind some trees. His head and ears went up and he got very tall. My survival instinct took over and I decided to jump off before Chance forgot I was there. We walked in the joggers direction and he watched her continue down the road. Then I got back on. It was good practice and as far as I'm concerned better to be safe than sorry!
It was a great ride, I have new hope for us. I never really lost hope but I was pretty discouraged at times. It's nice to see that Chance is feeling better, and it felt so good to ride him again!

Scruffy - Our new Christmas Elf

Autumn, Boca, Scruffy, Lexie - Our 4 dogs (tolerating me and my Christmas fun) :)

Trims and good stuff

I would have to say Chance's trim was done at record speed...for him. He did very well, not perfect but good and with a new farrier. I really like the farrier, he brings his daughter along and they are genuinely nice people. He is a wealth of knowledge and understands horses. He explained how Chance's build (broad chest and narrow footed) would create discomfort while being trimmed and add lyme disease to the mix and there could be quite a bit of pain. He also showed me Chances range of motion in his leg, which isn't very big. I don't think I have been pulling his leg out too far while working with him, but now that I am aware of this I will make sure to hold his foot under him. I also don't think it is all physical discomfort, I really believe some of it is behavior, but I think the discomfort came 1st which created the behavior.
Tomorrow will make 4 weeks on the doxy and I am continuing to see positive changes in him. He no longer snorts and blows at the fence when walking threw an open gate. He was doing that even with the electricity off. Jaye came over the other day and rode Pilot while I put a saddle on Chance for the 1st time in a very long time. Putting his saddle on was a little bit of a project but I didn't feel the fear in him that I had been feeling. He is moving so much better, and can now back up for me much easier than he ever has. He is not shutting down in fact he is full of energy and more engaged than I think I want! :) He was giving me some attitude but that I can work with. He has become unbelievably mouthy. Picture this, Jaye had a saddle on Pilot's back and was riding him while Chance put his saddle in his mouth, picked it up and held it until it was too heavy to hold anymore. On the lighter side, this was pretty funny to see, Pilot the well behaved horse working very hard for Jaye and then there's my horse holding his saddle in his mouth. On a more serious side we have some work to do. This mouthy issue must be dealt with because I don't want him to pick me up like he did my saddle. He is also constantly trying to bump me with his head and wants to be in my pocket. I'll be trying to come up with some positive ways to channel his new energy and also work on being the leader of the our herd of two. :)

Trim tomorrow

The farrier comes tomorrow to trim Chance's feet. This will be a good test to see if his feet issues are related to the Lyme and if the doxy is working. I asked him for both front feet today and like a perfect gentleman he picked them both up and let me hold them until I gave them back. (one at a time of course :) It was uneventful, unemotional and easy...Perfect. If I had to guess I would say the doxy is working.

worked with feet

Well no OMG moments, but there was improvement. I started with his back feet which are not usually a problem and today was the same. Then I gave his right front shoulder and leg a little massage to relax the muscles and went to the other side and asked for his left front. He picked it up nicely and was able to hold it until I gave it back. I'm only talking about 1 minute, but it's an improvement. I then gave his left shoulder and leg a massage and went to the right and asked for that foot. This side was harder, after a few seconds he needed it back. I gave it to him and asked again this time I decided to hold it even though he was pulling. He almost came down on his knees. Then we walked around a little and I started with the back again and then went to the front right. We worked for about 10 minutes, there was improvement each time I asked for the right front and then after he was able to hold it up for about 20 seconds I released and took the halter off.

I'm so glad I got out, what a beautiful day! I sat on the mounting block, closed my eyes and went to the beach. If you try really hard you can imagine that the traffic sounds like waves. It didn't quite smell like the beach but I think the beach would be a better place if it smelled like a barn! The seagulls were missing, but do clucking chickens count? They did today!

After 1 week of Doxy

Life is busy as usual (especially in December) which has made it easier to allow Chance to take the meds for the lyme and hopefully get better without me adding any extra stress to his life. And I want to see if there are any noticeable changes in him by just watching. I have heard that improvements can happen quickly, I don't know a lot about lyme disease or treating it, I'm doing research on my own and did get some info from the vet. Giving him the meds has been easy. He gets 45 tablets 2x a day. I have a small coffee grinder (vet recommended) I put the 45 tablets in along with 2 peppermint candies and grind away. After Pilots choking episode I soak all grain now and I mix the ground meds & peppermints with the mash of grain. At first Chance ate v-e-r-y slowly, but being the kind of horse who loves to eat, he didn't waste an ounce. He reminds me of somebody from the depression era who had to ration food, it doesn't matter what it is or how it tastes, it can't be wasted! I had started with just 1 peppermint candy but increase to 2 which helped. Now he is eating normally which is great, I didn't want to stick a syringe in his mouth twice a day! He also gets probiotics to help his stomach. I had actually put him on the probiotics over a year ago, while he is on the meds I have doubled up on them. And he gets his joint supplements.
So, as far as any changes in Chance after the 1st week, I have noticed 2. The other evening he was running around like a fool. Not because he had been scared by anything, he was having fun. Whats the big deal about that? He was cantering and not cross-cantering. I can't remember very many times when he has cantered correctly, even on his own. I've asked many people about this and the consensus was that some horses are more comfortable cross-cantering. And because it really doesn't matter to me how he canters I was okay with that answer. The other thing he did was gallop...really fast! He would canter down the hill, go to the end of the paddock, around the round bale feeder and gallop as fast as he could back up the hill. I have never seen him move that fast, and I'm not sure if he knew he could move that fast. It was so much fun to watch.
The weather is gorgeous today and it is going to change tonight, it would be a crime if I didn't get out there even for 1/2 an hour. I'm going to put a halter on him and work with his feet. It has been a week and 5 days today on the meds, more positive changes would be wonderful, if not, he just needs more time and thats okay.

Vet appt. and Lyme test

Chance had his teeth floated today and some chiro. work. He had a few things out of place and Dr. Dave put them back for now. I also got his lyme disease results, positive. He will start the doxycycline (spelling?) when I get it in a couple of days. This answers so many questions about his behavior! I'm relieved to know he has it and a little worried about the future because lyme is such a confusing disease. But for now I'll treat him, hope for the best and do some research.

Breathing

I've come across the subject of breathing quite a bit lately. Which has made me try to be more aware of mine, not just when working with horses but in everyday life. I found that I hold my breath a lot. I don't realize I'm doing it and I can't say how long I hold it. What happens is I will be really focused on something and sometime in the middle of what I'm doing I realize I'm not breathing. This is something I really need to work on.

My Goal

My ultimate goal with Chance is to take him anywhere I want, with or without another horse just because I can. And while we are out doing whatever it is we happen to be doing, it will be fun for both of us. I won't put a time limit on this goal (that would be unreasonable) but I do believe it will happen. One day I will look back on this blog and read this and smile.

Walk

Jaye and I took the horses out for a walk today. We saw lots of scary stuff, a big excavator and a cement truck. My big project when I walk Chance is to stay aware of how often he gets into my space. From standing still and his head coming in to bump me to him trotting out around me and arching his body towards me. I need to be clear about the boundaries and when I need him to move. Today was fun and light-hearted, just what we needed :)

apology

I apologized to Chance today. I told him that I was sorry I haven't really believed in or trusted him. It made me feel better to say it out loud, really get it out there. And now it's gone. He was really listening when I was saying it. I could feel it. And when I finished and walked away he left the fresh pile of hay I had just put down and followed me. I started cleaning his stall and he just stood there watching me. So I stopped and walked back to him, Call me crazy but I swear I heard him say, "I'm sorry too, it's okay." I told him he had nothing to be sorry for and that he is a great horse. Then he went back to his hay. It all sounds a little crazy and even if he really didn't say what I heard, I felt it. And I have to say my heart feels a lot lighter tonight. :)

Believe

I had a few minutes to sit and watch a little TV before picking up Marissa after school. I decided to watch Oprah. Will Smith was on today, they were talking about how it felt and what it meant to them to see Obama win the election and experience history being made. Will Smith and his family video-taped the entire day, each member had a video camera, including his children. They voted together and as the results were coming in he sat in a chair with his 3 children around him. Obama was announced the winner and as he gave is acceptance speech Will Smith cried. He said he was brought up with the belief that he could do anything. His parents taught him that he was as good as anyone else, all he had to do was believe it and go do it. And he has. But...when it came to this country as hard as he tried, he wasn't really sure that an African American would actually become president. He believed it...but not really. And when it happened he said there cannot be anymore excuses, you have to believe.

In the world this is all much bigger than me and my horse. Really no comparison. But....the last few days I have spent reflecting on my relationship with Chance. Actually I just kind of put it out there, let it go, it was too heavy. I've stopped thinking so much and decided to watch him, enjoy his company and feel. What came to me as I was watching Oprah was that as badly as I want to move past this wall we keep coming to, that's all I have done. Wanted. I can picture what I want in my mind, but I don't think I have really BELIEVED it. I haven't believed in him. Or in me. I have thought of us as a person and a horse who have had some really scary things happen. As hard as we try to get past them we just don't trust enough to believe. Trust is hard for me and for Chance. We have had scary things happen to us, but if I don't believe that we will get through this or in him how is he going to believe in me? Thank you Will Smith. You never know where these messages will come from. wow. I didn't know that I didn't really believe, but I think it's time for a new outlook.

Vet Visit

The good news is that Chance's eyes are fine. He has one very small cataract in his right eye but nothing to worry about, it isn't effecting his sight at all. We are testing for lyme disease just to rule it out, because the symtoms of the disease vary so much it won't hurt to check. She explained that it can effect his eye sight, can cause some neurological problems, and of course pain. Then I'm going to have a chiro done and his teeth floated before the really cold weather kicks in. It is possible that the swelling he had around the right eye could have come from bumping it causing him to knock something out. He could be experiencing some pain somewhere which would also explain the anxiety.

Eyes

I played with Pilot for a short time today and everything was just fine. If I was presenting myself or something I'm asking in a scary or questionable way I'm guessing it would show up in Pilot too. He is a different horse with a different personality but still a horse. I haven't handled Pilot a lot, so I would think that if I were asking him to do something in a confusing way he would have let me know. I didn't see anything in Pilot's behavior that told me I was upsetting him or confusing him. Infact it was just the opposite, he was quiet, calm and seemed perfectly fine with me asking him to anything. I was even able to ask him to walk and trot around me and we were both okay. I didn't ask for a canter because he has a hoof injury from his racing days and he wasn't wearing his boots, he is feeling good right now and I didn't want to aggravate it.

So now what to do about Chance. I'm going to start with a vet exam, I'm really concerned about his right eye. He had an issue with being one-sided when I 1st got him. I spent a lot of time working on it, I felt it had been resolved. I am very right hand dominant and tend to spend more time on his left because it is easier for me, but....I have always been conscious of it and do spend time on his right. I had forgotten about some swelling he had around his right eye a few days before Libby's clinic. There was no discharge and the swelling got better on it's own within 2 days. I thought no more about it and took him to the clinic. I was blindsided by his behavior at the clinic and he has been full of anxiety ever since. I have been beating myself up trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, and I'm not saying it's not me, but I've got to rule out a physical problem before I continue any more work with him. The vet is coming tomorrow afternoon so I don't have too long to wait for an answer. Thank goodness.

Played with Chance

Okay, so I came home with a very strong drive to go out and see my horse. I changed into my new fleece lined jeans from LL Bean (it's cold out there) and off I went. I can't say we had fun, infact frustration fits better. He can't stand without trying to nibble on me, he won't hold his front feet up at all, and he really doesn't want me on his right side. Finally after he was willing to pick up a front foot on his own and keep it up for 2 seconds I went on to something different. I turned the rope halter inside-out so it ties on the right and we went for a walk around the inside of the paddock. Then I went to his left and worked on an exercise we had done before which helped the right eye issue. I stand on his left and ask him to turn his head toward me while covering the left eye. Since he can't see me with the left eye he has to use the right eye to see me. Then I went back to the right and just stood quietly with him. I stood quietly while he continued to try and nibble or bump me with his head. After a few unsuccessful tries he then started to yawn and yawn. This was good, a release of some stress he has been holding. I took the halter off and decided we were finished. As I was standing there I saw the jolly ball and started kicking it around the paddock. The horses looked at me like I had possibly lost my mind. After a couple of kicks Pilot decided to investigate. I would kick it and he would walk over and sniff it. Then he would look at me with the cutest expression and I would kick it again. He would sniff it and then I would kick it. After about 4 kicks he decided the game was over and eating hay was a much better idea.

So, I need to change something and I don't know what it is. No, I do know that the big thing I need to change is working consistantly with Chance. But in my life that can be pretty unrealistic. Is that the big reason he is having such a hard time? After a clinic of 3 to 5 days we are pretty solid as a pair. Then life gets in the way and a period of time goes by without working with him and he seems to forget everything. The anxiety is there, he can't focus and right now I think even putting the saddle on him would be hard. Blahh. Normally I can say that I walk into that paddock with the rest of my world back at the house. I try so hard to be quiet inside and focused on what we are doing. Right now I'm frustrated because I feel so stuck. I just want to ride and enjoy my horse. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. When we have days like this I go back to the old "do what you can, not what you can't". That is even hard right now. Blahh.

I've decide that for the rest of today I'm not going to work or try to accomplish anything. I'm going clear my thoughts and then go to my daughter's chorus concert in a little while. And...........I love my new fleece lined jeans.

Fear

I did some ground work with Chance today and which led to learning more about me. He is having a very difficult time with transitions. To be more specific - When asking him to move around me at a walk he is okay, asking him to transition to a trot and then a canter is difficult for him. He bucks, crow hops, pulls back, tries to come in on me and whatever he can think of to avoid the transition. This relates to me because I have always hated lunging horses and even though this isn't really lunging it is asking a horse to move quickly in a circle around me. This has always scared me and I have always tried to avoid this groundwork exercise. Chance knows this and because I think something bad is going to happen (I'm going to get kicked, run over, whatever) I'm sure he does to.
How do I fix this? I'm going to have to face my fear and work through it. I'll do it with help and as safely as possible but this one is going to be hard. This is what I worked on for 2 days at Libby's clinic and why I had such a hard time that weekend. I need to fix this, it's holding me and my horse back.

Yea

I passed my CDL permit test today for my class B license! Actually there were 4 tests to take and I passed them all the 1st time. I'm pretty excited knowing that this part is over, I have literally been falling asleep in my book studying at night. Next week I'll start driving a school bus on the road, yikes. I'm looking forward to that, I think it will be fun. Of course the bus won't have 60+ kids on it either! I've always had a great appreciation for school bus drivers, I'm about to get a whole new education and an even greater appreciation.

Lately this blog has been more about getting things in order, organizing, jobs, etc. and less about Chance. I really feel like if I don't take care of these things that I can't give Chance 100% of me when I'm working with him. My mind has felt cluttered and my ultimate goal is to feel quiet inside. I want to have "withyouness" when working with Chance (thanks L). We both deserve that and I'm doing both of us a great service by taking care of the things that get in the way. I've had a lot of "clutter" in my mind and my house for too long, it feels really good to finally be taking care of it.

Inspiration

So the organization mission is now going a little slower than I had hoped because I have started my new job. I have added 20+ hours of driving to the rest of my schedule. I don't feel stressed out at all (that's big for me) but I do need to re-organize again. Jaye inspired me over the weekend, she has started working with Jed and asked me to help by riding Striker so Jed can be taken on trail rides. It was fun to ride Striker again, I was reminded of what it felt like to be on a trail ride on a horse that isn't tons of work or scary. Although she is 22, she has lots of energy, a nice forward walk and a mind of her own :) She is also a gift. She lets you know exactly how she is feeling - happy and ready to go explore or finished and ready to go back. A great horse to help re-build confidence and inspiration. I'm sure this week will be hectic again, but less than last week. The 30 day plan with Chance ended way before the 30 days but that just means I get to start again.

Organizing

My organizing mission is going well. Although I have only been doing this for a week I feel as though I am making progress. The rest of my life is still busy and the organizing is being "fit in" to my life. Today was refrigerator and freezer day. I took everything out of both, threw some things out and as I put thins back in I wrote down them down on a peice of paper. So now my paper is on the fridge and I know what is inside without opening the door.
The bugs where too bad to work with Chance and then it rained.

Studman

Jaye and I took the horses to HEP today. Chance was in a very good place, calm, happy and willing. No tightness in him at all. We were doing great until......the Beautiful Valentine showed up. She was also in heat. Chance, the great Casanova that he is was like a teenage boy. His mind was gone and I really never got him back enough to ride anymore. He has been gelded but he definitely has some testosterone running through that body of his. He was willing and ready to take care of business. So I decided to make the best of this situation and worked on getting his mind back. I did get it in small pieces and he never completely lost control so I'll call it a success. After a good amount of working with him on the ground A took Val out and rode around the outside of the ring and I let Chance loose to do whatever he wanted. He chose to mow as much of the grass around the inside of the ring as he could. It was an interesting day.

Hay

I just picked up 25 bales of hay that I don't know what to do with. Does getting hay for my horse count as doing something with him? Okay, I know the answer to that but it is getting dark and I'm running out of time today. I guess I'll go outside and figure this out.

Mission - Organization

I am making a very strong attempt to organize things around here. I am picking away at my house, jumped into my checkbooks (personal and business), started keeping an organizer, and I'm on day 3 of the 30-day plan with Chance. Actually on day 6 if I count the clinic. But I won't count it because this new schedule is completely on my time. I am 100% responsible for making time every day to do something with my horse.
Day 1- We went for a walk to the apple tree. On the way I worked on asking him to change his thoughts. The bugs were horrible so we kept it short.
Day 2- Ground work, tacked up at the trailer, rode in the ring. My ring is not nearly big enough for what I want to do.
Day 3- This morning I started moving fencing around. I'm still not crazy about what I have done so this afternoon I'll make more changes.
I went out later and took down another fence. This might work. Then I worked with Chance's feet and started cleaning his sheath. He is not really crazy about this job so I will break it down and do a little at a time.

This is also day 3 of going to bed with a clean sink and dishes washed in the dish washer. The livingroom is picked up and the laundry is almost caught up. One would think that these things would be done all the time. I'm not making excuses and I don't even have young kids anymore. But life IS hectic. I am working 2 part-time jobs and getting trained to drive a school bus along with the animals, my older kids and the oldest kid of them all, my husband. I have always had a hard time prioritizing, usually there is so much that I just take on the task that is staring me in the face and can't wait any longer. I always feel like I am trying to catch up, rushing through things and not paying attention to detail. I am on a mission to change all of this. This may or may not last but if I don't make some changes I feel like I'm going to self-destruct.

The Clinic is Finished

I finished the clinic today. And I'm glad I did. I wasn't feeling that way this morning but in all fairness to myself and Chance I had to go. I set myself up to be as positive as I could possibly be hoping that maybe I would actually believe we would have a good day. If you put it out there just maybe you'll get what you are looking for.

Chance has settled into the routine of getting on the trailer and going to Piper Ridge. He was quiet and ready to be ridden pretty quickly. He stood very nicely for the saddle and we were riding in the ring within just a few minutes. He was still very sticky but I could feel lots of try in him. Libby gave us a job - tie a string around a fence post, trot to another part of the ring with purpose, trot back to the string very quickly, untie it and start over. This was what it took to finally free up his feet. And before I knew it we both did believe that we would be okay. So then we got to ride outside of the ring with one other horse and rider. We worked very hard on getting his thoughts to come back to me when they would leave. And we made lots of progress. We didn't go far, but Chance was able to do it. The other horse was pretty close to the same level of riding as Chance, they really helped each other out a lot. It was a good confidence builder for all of us.

So I guess what I have come to is that I should be prepared for Chance to fall apart like this every once in a while. I am not going to lower my expectations for him, but know that there is a good possibility it will happen again. And in all fairness I don't ride him enough or expose him to enough to gain the confidence we need to handle the outside world. We are now on a 30 day plan. With the exception of Sept 27th and 28th (I'm going away with my Mom)I will ride or work with Chance everyday for the next 30 days.

The other thing I came to is that frustration is part of the process. I was frustrated that I became frustrated. I had never gotten to the point of wanting to give up like this before. Not a good place to be or a good feeling to have. Maybe it will make me a better horse person. I hope so.

It's raining...again

It is 8:45am the morning of the last day of the clinic and it's raining. This means we will be in the indoor. I should be grateful that the indoor is available to us and will keep us dry. I'm trying. I think the only reason I am going at all today is because I have to pay Libby. Uggh.

Tomorrow

I just got in from dinner, it's 10:30. I am mentally fried. I have a full stomach and my head aches. I'm not worried about tomorrow, we'll get through it. I wish I could put my finger on what is troubling Chance so much. I keep trying to clear my head and get quiet and calm inside, but I can't think anymore. Maybe thats the problem with Chance. Maybe thats what he is trying to teach me. I was so blindsided by what happened yesterday that I have stopped thinking clearly and I have become a fumbling mess. I have made training mistakes with him, thank goodness they are so forgiving but I do worry that I am going to ruin him. What frustrates me most about the mistakes I am making this weekend is that when I get into this frame of mind I make the same ones over and over again. And stupid ones. So maybe thats why he can't free up his feet. Not so much because of the mistakes I am making but because I can't free up my mind, and it is showing through his feet. I can't think clearly and he can't walk freely. I'm not being clear with what I am asking him to do. I love this blog, putting my thoughts into words is helping. So tomorrow my job is to be clear, quiet and focused when asking Chance to move. No more, no less.

2nd Day of Libby Clinic

Okay, so today was better. It would have started better if I had shown up with more confidence and energy. The lack of energy came from not sleeping much last night thinking about yesterday. The lack of confidence came from my frustration and not knowing why Chance had such a tough day. The good news was that after about 1/2 an hour of ground work I was riding him. Improvement there. He is still REALLY stuck though. The 1st time I asked him to trot he gave me a little crow hop. So a gradual increase of speed was key to eventually getting a trot. It was sticky all afternoon, I ended with one fairly good ride around the ring. On another note some toys where brought into the ring, a black bucket with a ball in it, noodles and a large pvc pipe bridge to ride under. Hanging from the pipe was bright orange strands of tape, gold and silver garland and a couple of baloons. This was fun for Chance. He likes to investigate new things and had no trouble with any of it. I think it would have been more fun if he was relaxed and not so stuck. But I'll take what I got today and hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

1st day of Libby Clinic

Okay, so in trying to stay positive I'm going to say that I'm glad I listened to the vibes I was getting from Chance and didn't ride. If I have learned anything from this horse it is to listen to him and go with my gut. Found another sticky spot. I couldn't come up with a really good reason not to ride him, just that he didn't feel okay. He was giving me lots of sutle clues and like I just said, I have learned to listen very closely. So Libby was watching me do my ground work trying to find what was wrong. He was light, responsive but off. So she asked me to walk quickly infront of him and he responded by staying with me with slack in the lead. She asked me to get quicker and he did the same. This is when I usually stop and go on to something else, but she asked me to run and his response was different this time. We found the sticky spot. Speed. He had a full blown nutty. So this is what I worked on for 2 hours. Asking him to give me speed and be okay with it. He had lots of nutty's in these 2 hours.

Now not only was he having this new problem but I was making it worse because I was becoming totally discombobulated. I would end up chasing him, or getting too far in front of him or too far behind. So I slowed things down to get myself back together but had to be careful that he was not getting into a shut down trot. At the end of the 2 hours Libby took him, did a few things with him and said he felt better, which made me feel better.

I am trying not to be hard on me. We had such a good day at the park on Thursday and today was a complete mess. I am grateful that he showed me what is troubling him at Libby's clinic. A told me that we need to have the good days to build our confidence to prepare us for days like this. I did hold it together when he was falling apart and he was able to look to me for help. That was big. I will hold on to her words for tonight which gives me hope for tomorrow.

Now I'm going to eat, have a BIG glass of wine, a shower, put on my jammies and sleep.

Shivery horse this morning - Changes this Fall

Fall may not be here according to the calendar, but the weather sure felt like it this morning. Poor Chance was shivering quite a bit when I went out to feed breakfast and Pi was not his usual cheerful self. He tossed his head and grunted when he saw me coming. I think he was telling me that it had been a cold night and breakfast couldn't come fast enough. Pi is Jaye's standardbred who is now living here to keep Chance company. I love having him here. He has such a pleasant calmness about him. My barn is so peaceful. The horses get along nicely and can be separated without anyone getting too upset. Well, Chance isn't crazy about being left alone and whinnies but there doesn't seem to be a big risk of him running through the fence. That's the hard part of having only 2 horses here, somebody gets left behind.

So many changes this year. Derek is in college and living in Westbrook. He may be home next month though, he is getting a wonderful education on the value of a dollar. Having an apartment without a job is not working out for him. I hope he finds one. It has been fun watching him in this new phase of his life. And I'm glad he isn't far away. He is close enough to come home a couple of times a week but just far enough to spread his wings and live on his own even if it is just for a short time.

Marissa is enjoying school this year. She didn't want to go back but now seems to be jumping right in and embracing the challenging classes she is taking this year. She is the stage manager for drama again, her 3rd year and starting to talk about college. Wherever she goes drama and theater is a must for her. Not acting, she enjoys all of the backstage excitement. Maybe directing? She isn't sure yet.

I am starting a new job (again). Driving a school bus. Getting a job that offers health insurance is a priority right now. And the hours will allow me to work in the office at home (for the plumbing & heating David does), bake dog biscuits, clean the house and ride my horse. I'm in the middle of my training right now, I parallel parked the bus yesterday! Twice! This is a job I never thought I would want to do, not in a million years. But I am actually having fun with the training and I think there might be hope that I will enjoy this. I have not found a job I have enjoyed since giving up the preschool and daycare. That I loved and will miss it for the rest of my life. Driving the kids to school is a completely different way of working with kids but I am hopeful that I will enjoy it. I won't be driving for a couple of months.

I have been baking Boca's Biscuits for 1 year now. That is going well. I bought a new commercial oven (which isn't working right now) that will bake approx. 200 large biscuits at a time. This is going to save me a bunch of time! Hopefully it will be working next week.

I think it is time to go to bed now, I love my flannel pajama pants and wrapping up in all of the blankets with the window open a little this time of year. The air is cold and smells nice, and sometimes if the it is very quiet I can hear the horses at night. That makes me smile.

HEP

Chance and I went to the Hollis Equestrian Park this afternoon with A and Val. I was a little nervous about getting on after 2 months so we started with our ground work. The other change I have made is using a bosal instead of a bit. Tacking him up with the bosal has made a big difference. So much less stress in him. So today was the 1st ride with it. It was awesome. It was the final piece to the puzzle in helping him feel good about being ridden. He was so light and willing to go all over that ring. He wasn't glued to Val, he wasn't worried about anything and wanted to go. He is the horse that in the past felt like a rusty tin-man. He didn't want to go anywhere and never at a trot. Not today. He was trotting all over that ring and never once tripped. Now I can remember why I have a horse again. I am really looking forward to this weekend.

Started over again

I can't believe that it has been 2 months since I have ridden Chance. There are lots of reasons, summer with kids, Chance's lameness, my illnesses, the heat, a very rainy summer, and honestly I just haven't felt like it. So regardless of all that I am starting over again with him....once more.

I have worked with him on the ground twice in the last few days and we are making progress very quickly. He really didn't feel like doing anything at first either. And I wasn't sure where to start. I went into the paddock with no idea of what I wanted to do and in a few minutes things just started rolling along. It felt really good to see that we haven't really fallen behind and that all the work we did in the Spring was good quality work. It all came back to us quickly, he even had a spring in his steps and before I knew it we were both having fun.

If all goes well we will be going to Libby's clinic this weekend.

Marissa's Rat Idore

One of Marissa's pet rats died today. He had been sick for a couple of months with either an upper respiratory infection or a weak heart. I have never seen anyone work so hard to try and save a rat's life than Marissa. We took him to the vets and put him on antibiotics, she worked so hard around the house to pay off the vet bill. She kept the cage spotless and never forgot to give him his medicine. On the days that his breathing seemed more difficult she would take him outside for fresh air and sit with him. On the hot days she would keep the fan on him and do everything she could think of to keep him comfortable.

My heart is breaking for her tonight. She has gone to bed and I can hear her sobbing. Little Idore isn't suffering anymore and as we all know in time the pain will ease for Marissa. And we will continue to get more pets, small & large ones, and fall in love over & over again because we can't live without the joy they bring us while they are alive.

Emma at 2 months old

The N.Irish have gone home

Actually they are on the plane as I type. I hate goodbyes, I fall apart every time I have to do this. It was tough knowing that Jordan probably won't be back again. The teens are in the group for 2 years and then they have to be finished to make room for more. Jordan would like to come back during the winter months to see the snow, but money (the lack of) may not allow for that. And I would love to go there in February when the group from Maine goes over. When they 1st get here 5 weeks seems like a long time to bring somebody into your home to live. We are adding another person to the family who we don't know, they don't know us and they are in a foreign country. In our case this year we already knew Jordan from last year. But it had been a year. It didn't take long for him to jump right in where he left off last summer and we were all very glad to have him back. This is an experience that has lots of ups and a few downs. It throws a wrench into the entire household, schedules are off, another mouth to feed and will he like what I am serving? More laundry, not much time for office work and no time for horses. As if life wasn't busy enough! But with all of that said, this experience brings so much more to our lives than I ever expected. After 2 summers with Jordan, he really is a member of our family now. This has made me stop working, make time for fun and laugh at the things that really aren't so important. I hope we have been a positive impact on his life, giving him an experience he will be able to remember for the rest of his life. I've been asked how I can give up 5 weeks of my summer for this. I don't feel like I have given anything up, just the opposite infact. And to give the teens the credit they deserve, it can't be easy to leave home for 5 weeks and to move in with total strangers! They are pretty awesome kids.

New York City

David and I took the family to New York for a 4 day vacation. We were tourists in every way visiting as many sites, monuments and walking as much as we could. I loved visiting New York, although it took us a couple of days before we felt comfortable getting around without feeling lost. I would love to go back for another visit to see more, maybe to peek in some of the shops. There was no time for that on this visit, but we did see a lot of the city, including eating New York style pizza, riding a subway, taking a taxi, and lots of waking. We had a great time but after 4 days of all those exhaust fumes it was time to come home. The 1st thing I did when I was home was to run outside barefoot in the wet grass. You can't do that in New York City!

Lesson with Karina

Karina Lewis came over last night to help me out with Chance. It seems that every time I work with her I get more out of than I thought I needed! The only thing that I was really asking for help with was helping Chance leave the yard. Karina is very intuitive and of course I was in tears within 5 minutes of her arriving. I thought I was doing much better with my sadness from loosing Shadow. Apparently Chance wasn't.

My biggest concern was with CC. He and Shadow are brothers and had been together for almost 30 years. They were separated for 3 years while Shadow lived here and CC lived at A's. I brought CC here to live with Shadow 2 years ago. They were at each others hip most of the time. They stood together, ate together even drank water together. So to say the least I was very worried about CC being here without his brother. We even considered putting CC down with Shadow but when the time came it didn't feel right. The thing that shocked me the most about CC was that he whinnied about 15-20 minutes after Shadow had been put down. CC has not whinnied once in the 2 years he has been here. So he whinnied for a couple of hours and then got quiet for the night. The next 2 days he spent standing next to the place Shadow is buried. He left the spot only to eat and drink. This is when I started to think we made the wrong decision about putting him down with his brother. On the 3rd day when I let him out of his stall he went to the round bale 1st. And from then on he goes over to the spot every now and then but seems to be doing just fine.

What I have missed in all of this was that CC has not allowed Chance to go to the spot where Shadow is buried. Chance hasn't had the opportunity to process Shadow's death or say goodbye to his friend. CC was very protective of Shadow and rarely let Chance get near him. Chance and Shadow did get along very well and I didn't realize that Chance was missing him. So last night I walked Chance over to the place Shadow is buried while CC ran around like a little wild pony. Chance did a lot of sniffing and smelling and stood very quietly. It did seem to help him process Shadow's death.

So then we went on to the physical stuff. He had been very sore a few weeks ago, his entire right side was lame. He could barely pick up his right hind leg but was able to stand on it just fine. I couldn't see any physical cuts or scratches, no hoof marks. I'll never know what happened but he either rolled and hurt himself or CC kicked him. There was improvement everyday but it took about 1 1/2weeks for all of the lameness and swelling to go away.
A very nice couple came with Karina and it just so happened that the gentleman with her does manipulation and equine massage. Chance was still stiff from his injury and not able to move as freely as he should have been. He went to work on Chance and when he was finished Chance was moving wonderfully!

Then came the riding part. Karina decided at first to try a different bit, a different snaffle. Then changed her mind and put a bosal on him. I have always wanted to try this with Chance, he has never liked putting the bit in his mouth and honestly riding him in a rope halter is just less stressful for him. But I don't have the confidence to ride him in a rope halter out of the yard. The bosal seemed to be exactly what he needed. Karina rode him to the spot he hasn't been able to get past. He stopped for a few minutes and then moved his head funny. After a few minutes he walked up the hill and out the gate. What Karina was able to pick up from riding him is that I am getting tight and pulling on his mouth. I have worked so hard at NOT doing this, but when Chance drops that head of his I get scared and pull it up. The fear of getting bucked off takes over. With the bosal I cannot yank on his mouth but I still have control.

By the end of the 1 1/2 hrs Karina was here my confidence was back and Chance not only feels better physically but seems to mentally also. I'll ride him a little later today when it's not so hot and see how I do on my own.

A Phone Call

I got a phone call yesterday, it was my son Derek. After I said hello he then said, "I'm okay and Jordan is okay." My heart sunk, I gulped and knew the next words would be "I've been in a car accident." And I was right. It was a very minor accident, he got caught in the soft sand on the shoulder and it pulled his car into a ditch. The big knoll that stopped his car was a gift. If the knoll had not been there his car would have rolled over for sure. He told me where he was and that he had already called the sheriff. When I arrived he and Jordan were both leaning on the car, both looking just fine. There wasn't much damage to the car either and nobody else was involved. Derek was shaken up, and I think it was a good lesson for him. He is a very good kid, never in trouble, always polite, but starting to get a little over-confident behind the wheel. He was starting to drive too fast. I hope this will slow him down.

The worrying never goes away, having teenagers is an experience that sometimes I love and sometimes I could live without. A constant roller coaster ride that I take in stride most of the time. But getting a phone call like that sure does put life into perspective.

I drove by the knoll today and thanked God and the universe for whatever wonderful reason it is there. It saved his car from rolling over and some pretty scary unknown results of what could have happened. I will choose not to think about what could have happened and just be grateful for the knoll.

Don't look up, Don't look down

I just heard somebody say Don't look up, Don't look down, look at where you are right now. Meaning live in the here and now. Good advice for lots of different aspects in life. I'm glad I heard that today and I think I will work on that one.

The teens from N Ireland have arrived

Actually they arrived on July 1st. We only have Jordan with us this year. Things are going great, he jumped right back in where he left off. A very sad event (a death in the family of a host mom) brought more teens to my house for a week. Two girls, Adeva and Blaithin, camped in the camper with Marissa. The names are pronounced (Adeeva and Blaheen). In that week Marissa had a friend spend the night and the host sister of the girls came to visit on another other night. They all went back to their host family yesterday. Lots of comings and goings, showers, meals, and fun here. It has gone very well with only 1 shower in my house! At one meal I looked around and it brought me back to my daycare days, 7 kids eating lunch, only they were all grown up.

I have enjoyed this program. I don't have a lot of time to volunteer during the year to any cause and this makes me feel like I am giving back. Horse time gets put on the back burner for a month but I am really okay with that. For me it's generally too hot in July to ride anyway. And I'm sure Chance would agree to that.

Tonight we are having the N.Irish chaperones over for dinner. Tomorrow we volunteer at a soup kitchen. I think the rest of the week is free for us to do as we please and then the kids go camping Friday-Sunday. The rest of the month will be busy and then everyone goes home on Aug 4th.

self confidence

It's amazing what time out of the saddle and off the horse will do to your confidence. Chance's left eye has been infected, the eye ointment that was prescribed wasn't in stock and we had to use a weaker one. It has helped the swelling but didn't kill the infection. The stronger ointment finally came in and I started using it today. It is already working after just one dose. Anyway, I'm sure his vision can't be clear in that eye right now, in a few days he should be better and I will be riding again.

So about the confidence thing, I was feeding him tonight and noticed that he didn't want to walk through the gate. I ran a new line of fencing along the bottom of the fence about 1 1/2 weeks ago. It is still making him very nervous. There is no electricity going through it, it is only there for visual reasons. The 1st thing that ran through my mind was that I'm not getting on him until he is feeling better about the fence. It could very well have a lot to do with his vision not being clear in his left eye, but it drives me nuts that I do this to myself! It's a self confidence issue that I wish would just go away. I know how to keep him busy enough in the ring to keep his mind off of the fence. Why do I do this to myself?

New Life in the Barn

4 Baby Bantam Chickies


This is Phoebe, she is a Sultan Chicken and she is having a 'bad hair day'.



It has been a week now since Shadow died, it's getting easier for me to go to the barn. Having the chicks living in his stall has been a huge help, looking at the empty stall hurt too much. The new chicks are fun, it's nice having new life here. Phoebe isn't quite sure what to think of them but she is enjoying their food. Phoebe came here at the end of last summer, she was the smallest hen at Jayes and getting pretty beat up. She came to live here, has recovered very nicely and lays an egg every day. She is one of the friendliest chickens I have ever known, following me around like a little puppy and even allowing me to pick her up. Madison, a 5 year old girl we know came to visit one day. She had never seen a chicken up close before and loved holding Phoebe. She found Phoebe's egg brought it home and as far as I know she still refuses to eat it. She even wrote a story for school about her adventure at the barn with Phoebe the chicken.

Shadow

This is the 1st time since Friday that I have been able to sit down and try to write about loosing him. It doesn't matter how much you prepare for something like this, your heart is never ready for the amount of pain it takes to say goodbye.

Shadow had started struggling with laminitis again last weekend. He was noticeably sore and his pulse was up on Saturday afternoon so I put him in his stall and gave him bute. By Sunday morning he was fine. As the week went on he was having pain on and off, nothing alarming, so I just watched him and did what I could to make him comfortable when it was needed. Late Thursday afternoon as he was walking across the paddock I saw him start to struggle with walking. He managed to get himself to me and I helped him get into a stall. He was comfortable enough in the stall to stay standing and he was able to move around slowly.
I gave him more bute hoping that by Friday he would be okay. Deep down I knew that this time he probably wouldn't be. He was in too much pain, this time it was bad. I had made him and myself a promise that the next time this happened I would put him down. He didn't deserve anymore pain and he didn't deserve to live like this anymore. When I saw him Friday morning I took him out of the stall, every step was extremely painful. The decision had been made, it was time and I really believe that he was ready. He didn't want to live like this anymore than I could stand to watch it.

The vet was called, arrangements were made to bury him, and then I spent the day waiting. It was a day that I don't think I can put into words. I had given Shadow enough bute and banamine to help with the pain while standing in the stall, knowing that he was comfortable helped. I was lucky to have the day to say goodbye. I would go between the house and the barn, doing office work for a distraction when I needed it and then spending time with Shadow. Somebody was here working on the trailer and needed some tools and help, that was also a good distraction. But having the whole day was also horrible. It was one of the longest days of my life, an emotional roller coaster. I was on auto pilot, everything was ready but I'm not sure that I really believed it was going to happen. I think we must go into some kind of protection mode to keep from going into shock. There were times that I couldn't breathe and the pain was overwhelming. But I also felt numb, like it wasn't real.

The vet arrived around 5:00. It was the same vet that had been taking care of him for the last 3 years. I was very grateful for that. She was wonderful with Shadow...and me. When the time came she worked quickly but was also kind and soft. Shadow's last moments were without pain and with a mouthful of clover.

As hard as it was I never felt like I was making a mistake. And even now that it is over and my pony is gone I still know it was the right thing to do. I suppose I could have continued to give him the pain meds, he may have pulled out of it again. But it would have happened again. When we take on the responsibility of an animal for life we also take on the responsibility of their death. I once heard somebody say that we can't have love without pain. Making the decision to let him go was up to now the most painful decision I have ever had to make. But I made it because I love him.

I don't think I could ever describe the bond that Shadow and I shared. Even in the last couple of years when I wasn't riding him anymore we could still read each others thoughts, the communication between us was amazing. He was truly a gift and I will be forever grateful for having him in my life.

So for now, I am going through each day trying to stay busy. The tears come a lot and I don't even try to stop them. I miss him just as much as I thought I would and maybe soon there will be a day that I can smile when I think of him and the tears won't come. He gave me so much to smile about. He was a wonderful friend.

Woodlyn's Count Shadow

April 15, 1979 - June 20, 2008








I'll miss you Shadowman, thank you for everything. You were the best.

Water

I think there is a higher message that I should be listening to. For the past 2 weeks water has starting turning up in many aspects of my life causing lots of turmoil.
-The water test for the spec house we sold has failed over and over again, too much iron. We called in a specialist who has installed a very expensive water system. We are now waiting for the new results.
-The water tank at HEP needed replacing. Todd wasn't available to help David so I did.
-The water for my barn isn't working now. David and I will have do some repiping later today.
-My ears are full of fluid causing painful ear infections. I can't hear anything out of my right ear and I am on my 2nd dose of antibiotics which is causing stomach pain and nausea.
-It is supposed to rain all week.
So if there is a message I should be listening to, I'M READY TO HEAR IT! Quickly before I drown!

Thank you ljb for explaining how to put the pictures on! This is fun.

Derek's Graduation Pictures

What a happy guy!

Derek and his best friend Steve

Derek getting his diploma, the other kid got in the way!

My niece Emma just 2 hours old.

This is a picture of Chance that was taken by

a very nice girl at the horse show.

Nice Ride

I am feeling pretty pumped up, as good as I did after each day of the clinic. So here I am hot,sweaty, dirty and dusty writing about the ride Chance and I just had. After almost 2 weeks of not touching him, he was exactly the same as when I left him. Soft, moving well and willing to work dispite the heat in the ring.

I don't really like to use the word "work" when I do things with Chance. I am approaching things with him as fun, light-hearted, matter of fact. It is working well. But on the other hand, we have put a lot of "work" into all we do, therefore making lots of progress. So I guess I'll keep using the word but it's meaning doesn't necessarily mean working. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I know what I mean.

We started with some ground work, that went pretty fast, almost boring. I tacked him up and we did more ground work with the saddle on. Within a few minutes he was yawning like crazy. He was centered and feeling good, so I got on. We did lots of stuff we both know how to do and some new stuff. We now have the beginning of side steps down. We never got close enough to the rock I put on the fence pole but lots of good steps. The rock will be waiting for the next ride. Everything was going so well that I decided to open the gate that leads to the paddock near the road. We got through the gate lots of times and a couple of steps on the hill that leads to the shady spot. I now truly know what it means to have unity and trust. Even though I was directing his mind & feet in the direction I wanted to go, every step he took was his idea. We were both very relaxed and feeling good about it all.

Today was a wonderful confidence builder for both of us! The best ride at home we have ever had!

Rundown and sick

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, I've run myself down and now I'm sick. My sister had her baby, Derek and my niece graduated - big party here last Sunday, Family visiting from Florida and New Orleans (saw my favorite uncle for the 1st time in 10 years) we finally sold the spec house after 2 years yea!(closed on Friday), getting the paperwork together to purchase the property across the road, and Marissa's 16th birthday is on Father's Day - this Sunday. All good stuff! But I'm beat!

Hanging inside with the A/C was okay when the temps and air were too much to deal with. But today is beautiful and I can't find the energy to ride. I'm not sure if I could pick up the saddle. A couple more days of rest is what I need so I'll just do it.

The up side to resting - I finished my book - Finding Pegasus by Terry Church. A very good book, thank you Jaye! Time to start another one.

And maybe I'll post some photos today.

Quotes

I am going to start writing down some short quotes for myself, I'm not sure if I am quoting other people or not, my only goal here is to write down some positive stuff.

-Difficult moments are opportunities, not problems.
-If you get to the end result without working for it, you have
missed out on the journey.
-Every horse has something to teach, you just have to be willing to learn.
-Horses are the best teachers of life lessons.
-If your horse won't go forward, the goal shouldn't be the next step. The goal should be improving the communication between you and your horse so he wants to move forward.
-If you 'know' you can ride your horse safely out of the ring you should go. If you 'think' you can ride your horse safely out of the ring you should wait until you 'know'.
-If you are riding and you feel you are just getting through it, you are just getting though it.
-If taking a big leap doesn't feel good inside go back and take baby steps.
-Building confidence takes time.
-Building a true partnership takes giving and taking. Mostly giving.
-Giving of yourself is the best gift you with ever receive.
-If you don't have your horses mind and feet you have an unsafe situation.

I'll add more later.

The Horse Show

I decided on a whim to take Chance to a horse show a week after the clinic. I wanted to enter a trails class (mostly for fun) to see how we were doing. Riding at home has been fun and easy, so I know we have made lots of progress.

I could tell right away that the whole thing was overwhelming for Chance. The funny thing about him is that he usually looks fine, very calm. But I could feel him. His insides were not okay. He has learned to stuff it and get through it. After tacking him up I took him for a walk around the grounds to take it all in, then I got on. It felt like the old us. Not the pair that left the clinic. He didn't feel okay and I was trying with all I had to keep it together for both of us. We started walking around, he felt like a rusty tin man. His legs didn't want to move. He couldn't walk in a straight line.

I had to come up with a plan, and the plan was probably going to change from minute to minute. I started to feel defeated. Like what is wrong with me? My horse looks fine, but he isn't! Why am I scared to death??? Because he doesn't feel right! So the plan at first was going to be just support Chance and maybe I would start feeling better. That worked a little. Then I decided I would get on and off Chance. That gave me something to do. He needed a job but his legs wouldn't move. He was taking short choppy steps, all over the place. Lots of one rein stops, just keep his mind with me and try my best to get to the feet. I really wanted to put a couple of barrels together and start the excercise we did at the clinic. We have done it at home and it works for both of us. This wasn't the place for that, but I really needed a way to get to my horse. I new right away I wasn't going to ride in the trails class, but ended up making the final decision at the last minute. The decision came when Chance saw the driving carts. I don't think he had ever seen one of those things! What I had of his mind was leaving fast when he saw them. I felt his back hump up under my seat. That was him telling me that he was finished. I didn't want to jump off with him feeling like that and I wanted to see if I could still communicate to him, and if he was able to respond. I asked for one more one rein stop and then a soft feel. I felt his entire body relax! The big humpy back was gone and I could feel a softer more relaxed horse under me. And then I got off.

Was getting off a mistake? Should I have pushed him through it? Absolutely not! For some stupid reason I feel like I need to defend myself and explain. I'm not sure why because nobody else can possibly know what Chance and I felt like at that moment. He probably looked okay, but he wasn't. I know this horse and we have worked way too hard to blow it on a trails class at a horse show. Maybe we are taking a long time to get to the place I want to be with Chance. But it's the journey that is so important for us. I have no doubt that somebody with more experience could get through all of this stuff with Chance so much faster than I can. But I think that is what makes us perfect for each other. We both need to go slow. We both have lots of confidence to gain. But we balance each other out, where he is weak, I am stronger and vice-versa. I had the perfect little riding pony, I love Shadow and loved all the fun we had. We could go anywhere together, he spoiled me rotten. But I didn't learn anything with him. I didn't learn how to stay safe or how to support my horse. He didn't need it.

So I guess if I look like I am struggling, yes I am. But I am also loving every minute of it! Chance is teaching me so much and I know I am helping him. If I had to do this all over again I wouldn't change a thing. There will be a day when I can hop on Chance and take off into the woods for a trail ride without giving it a second thought. And when that day comes I am going to appreciate it more than anything in the world! But for now I will appreciate the lessons he is teaching me and the progress we are making, we are exactly where we are supposed to be, we are doing exactly what we should be doing.

When I went to Hemphill's to find a horse I told myself that if I wasn't able to do everything I wanted with the horse I picked he was going back. So here I am today with Chance, 1 & 1/2 years later and I can't even ride him at a show. But I wouldn't bring him back or give him up for a million dollars. The bond this horse and I share, and the lessons I am learning are priceless.

Busy Week - not much riding

My son graduates from high school on Friday and my sister had a baby girl on Sunday. I am so happy for both of them! What a funny comparison; my son is starting his new life, college in the fall and my new neice is starting her new life, from the beginning. It's an exciting week, but there hasn't been time for riding. Maybe I can sneek in a short ride today or tomorrow.

Back at Home

I spent yesterday starting to catch up on things around the house, whining about being back to work and watching the clock feeling lousy that I wasn't outside with Chance. So now that I have had my day allowing myself to feel miserable I thought it might be a good idea to snap out of it today.

I started the day doing house work (not much) and baked a batch of dog biscuits and then headed out to the barn. A came over so I could show off a little and show her what I did at the clinic. Riding my horse at home without any of the old feelings was wonderful. In fact when I was riding and realized I had forgotten my helmet I wasn't even worried. Not that I will ever get into the habit or become comfortable riding without it! But it was nice to feel safe and have a nice connection with my horse. After spending 6 hours a day riding 30 minutes seemed like almost nothing. But it was a good 30 minutes.

Back to Reality

Today is tough. Getting back into the swing of things is harder than I thought.
I want to go back to horsey world!

The Last Day

This day was very emotional for me. I was exhausted, thrilled, and I think a little shell shocked. As I got to Piper Ridge I looked in the ring where Chance and I had worked so hard. This clinic was more than I ever expected it to be - it was life changing for us. I started out feeling so incompetent and intimidated. I don't know why, but I'm glad I got over it. And it wasn't just me that had accomplishments. I saw growth in everyone. We had become a family, 11 people from different backgrounds, lives and riding styles, some in western saddles & some in english, all there to become better horse people. Each of us had a horse with a unique personality and different issues. Even though I was very caught up in what Chance and had been doing, I saw changes in all of us. Everyone was kind, supportive, hard working and positive. As exhausting and sometimes frustrating as things got not once did I see one person loose faith or give up.

And I haven't even mentioned Greg yet. The 1st day he said he wasn't a teacher, but he was there to help us learn. What I love about how he did this is that he gave us a variety of tools, ideas and methods to learn with, never giving up if we didn't understand. If he got frustrated with us he didn't show it. He would keep explaining in as many ways as it took for us to get it. He also made sure that nobody got left hanging or standing in the background lost.
And he loves what he does, you can see it in his face when we understand, it makes him happy to see us flourish and become better horse people. I am very grateful and lucky to have had the opportunity to work with him. I will be signing up for his clinic again next year.

Things were pretty quiet, low key this day. We all worked on our own things for a while. I did the exercise with the barrels again. It wasn't as intense as the day before, but it didn't need to be. The first time he got pretty caught up in it and I needed to help him by stopping his feet so he could remember the peace. The 2ND time he had it down pat. In fact he started using the corners to get out of work, which made me smile. I guess his work ethic could use some tweaking but I'll just continue to find the balance between work and quiet for us. He has figured out how to think while using his feet and that was the goal.

The last exercise we did was some individual canter work. We had to try to figure out what lead would be easier for each horse after determining where the brace was. This is still a little confusing for me, but it's getting better. Chance is a tough one, but I do know that his left lead is easier.

Then it was time to go home. Everyone packed up and started heading out. I took my time, just soaking in the experience as I put things away. Before I left I gave Greg a big hug and thanked him. He told me how proud he was of what Chance and I accomplished, that the best thing for us would be for me to ride the heck out of him this summer. And that is exactly what I plan to do...I'm going to ride my new partner!!!

Back to the 4th Day

On this morning we started out with ground work again. Most of the morning for me was spent on the ground and about 1 hour of riding. I asked Greg if he would help me with the flag. I was feeling very incompetent, like I had a bunch of left hands that couldn't work together. I watched him, then I gave it a shot. I wasn't very effective at first but with a little more help I had it. Chance was able to understand separation. He has never had a problem standing still and accepting the flag, it's the moving off that has been difficult. But we got it, I still fumble a little but it will improve with more practice. I found the flag to be a huge part of what we need to help him move. Then we did some bumping up to the fence, he loves this job! It gives him the ability to think through a problem. I can sit and with the slightest direction he can figure out what I need - one step forward, one step back or maybe one step closer to me. This is lots of fun for us.

After the ground work I got on and worked on straightness and soft feels. This too is very effective for him. His backing from the saddle (and the ground) is getting softer and more fluid everyday. The morning was very nice and it was time for lunch.

Lunch ended and back to work we went. A little ground work and then riding. Greg asked me if I would be willing to be the 1st one to try an exercise that everyone would eventually do. He thought it would be a good one to help Chance and I get a better connection between us, at this point Chance was getting pretty herd bound. Greg set up 2 barrels, we were to ride towards the barrels directing our energy through them and to a back corner where we would take off all pressure and just be together. (By now all of the 1st day jitters were gone, I knew that if I didn't let that go I wouldn't get everything I needed to out of the clinic.) So, with some direction from Greg we headed in the direction of the barrels and Chance turned back toward the other horses. When this happens we were to turn the horse pretty firmly in the other direction and ask for a trot. Now we were riding back in forth in front of the barrels, every time we went by the opening I would look at the spot I wanted Chance to go to, encouraging him to go in that direction by following my feel. Every time he didn't I would turn him very firmly and ask for more speed. He took me through the barrels a couple of times but even with me petting and taking off the pressure he didn't understand and rode back to the horses.

Sometime during this exercise is when something almost magical happened between us.
I don't know where all the other horses and riders went, but they were gone. It was just me and Chance. I could hear Greg's voice but I couldn't see him, I could only see and feel my horse. Chance was trying so hard to figure it out, he had never had to think like this before and he definitely didn't know how to find relief. I could feel him asking me what I wanted, I know he could feel my directions, but because he had never found true peace with a human he didn't know what to do. We weren't trotting anymore, we were flying around that ring, riding like I had never ridden before! At one point Greg had me put the reins around the horn of my saddle and we were actually going bridless at a canter. We were in true harmony, just him and I trying with everything we had to solve a problem. He was searching and would try something different, go through the barrels and take a right instead of left, or go through, turn quickly and go back through. He wasn't shutting down! He was thinking! And he was doing it while moving his feet! I would tell him no, that's not it keep trying, go this way and I would draw an invisible line to the corner. I don't know how long we were at this, time had just stopped, the rest of the world was gone. Then he finally made it. He went through the barrels, didn't make it to the corner but went to the fence and slowed down to a slow walk. I had to help him stop, he needed the help. I just sat there on Chance petting him and giving him the peace he has needed for so long. Then I looked up and everyone was back, even though they had really never left. We rode back to hang with the other horses and everyone else had a turn.

This was our turning point. We made it. Now I know what true harmony feels like. And the best part of this is seeing Chance in a truly good place. Our challenges are not over by any stretch of the imagination, but the rest is gravy.

A Few Notes About Yesterday

Because today is the last day I want to make a couple of notes about what happened yesterday so I don't forget.
Get a flag.
Work on directing Chance with my mind making the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult.
Too little builds resentment, Too much builds fear.
When you don't have the horses mind and the feet together you don't have your horse.
Good things - I was told I have natural timing and feel. (I'm not sure where it came from and didn't know I had it, but I think so much clicked this weekend for Chance and I that together we just did well. He brought it out for me.
I can handle the flag without feeling like I have 2 left hands!
Our departures are awesome!
More details later.

4th Day of Clinic

Today was incredible. My horse is back, he is whole again. When I rode him today I had both his feet and his mind with me. I felt completely safe and relaxed on him. He was perfect.

More details to come later, We are having a BBQ at Piper Ridge and I've got to go.

3rd Day of Clinic

We rode for about 6 hours today, 3 before lunch and 3 after. I think Chance's mind is fried and his body is like Jello, but he doesn't seem to be sore anywhere. My mind is fried, my body is covered in dirt and dust from head to toe, my muscles are achy and it couldn't be any better.

Today Greg took videos of us working on the ground and then riding. We have been focusing a lot on straightness. Chance is equally unstraight on both sides, but not too bad. The videos were a wonderful tool for us. It's pretty nerve racking being taped and then having it watched by everyone. But everyone in the group is very kind and not very critical, at least not in a negative way. It was nice to actually see ourselves in action, it gave us the ability to see what isn't working so well and why, and it was also a nice treat to see what we are doing well. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I'm glad Greg did it and I think I'm going to borrow my daughter's video camera and do it again some time.

So, a brief recall of the day -
I brought Chance in to the ring, did some lead bys, backing and head lowering. Checked to see how he was stepping and when it all looked good I saddled and started riding. The morning was really good. We are working on impulsion and straightness, I started asking for some speed at the trot to bring some life into him. We did lots of one rein stops, lots of trotting and some walking. We took turns doing individual work and sometimes all of us were moving at the same time. It got a little chaotic at times, like the time a horse ended up in a corner and felt too much pressure. He didn't explode but he was very graphic about how he felt. I think Chance could have fallen apart at that time, but I remembered to help him get away, so that's what we did. I pointed his nose in a different direction, gave him the reins and some leg and we were out of there! It felt good to keep my mind in check and help my horse.

After lunch we all got together and watched the video. Then went back out and got our horses. I think Chance got into some beer with his lunch, he was all over the map. He couldn't go straight and he seemed to have lost the ability to think. It was like watching somebody who had been drinking, got stopped and was trying to walk a straight line. As things started going down hill with us, some of the riders decided to start cantering. Well, that was all Chance could take. At one point we did manage a fairly nice trot but then he started shutting down, he was on auto pilot and started going into that fuzzy place. As the cantering riders were passing us he would jump because they would startle him. Then we were all over the place again. He was overwhelmed and needed a break. Off to the middle of the ring we went and just hung out for a while watching and catching our breath. Soon everyone was stopped and Greg started individual exercises again. We all took a turn backing our horses until we got a soft feel and hopefully the horse would be straight and move into a trot from his back end. Chance and I did a terrific job, my timing was right on and he was able to soften and straighten. Chances mind came back and I think it gave him some confidence back. I know my confidence came back. After we all had a turn we took off as a group again in the other direction some trotting, some cantering. I almost didn't go but wanted to see if the straightening work we had just done would help with riding in the fast moving group. We had 2 pretty good trips around the ring and I stopped. He was done for the day and so was I.

The good things from today are - Our departures into the walk and the trot are getting really good. I pick up on the reins to give him the signal that something is going to happen, roll up on my seat bones and open my legs. 75% of the time he is moving before my legs close. I helped my horse get out of the way before he took control or lost control. I felt him stop thinking and get rattled in a chaotic situation, helped him settle, and brought him back. My timing got better today and we felt like a team.

2nd Clinic Day

Wow. Today was a combination of intense, good, frustrating, exhausting, fun and great all rolled into one. We started the day with most of the other people saddled up. Myself and one other person had more work to do before we or Greg felt our horses were ready. Chance came in with braces everywhere, front end, back end, lowering his head, backing. So we started with lead bys, did more lead bys and more lead bys. That was the frustrating part. My timing was off, I wasn't asking him to do enough of the work and Chance was trying to figure it all out. Greg watched and helped us get it pretty close to the way it should be. Chance was pulling and I wasn't bumping him back with enough to fix it.

By lunch time backing was much lighter, dropping his head is better (not perfect but better) and I had a saddle on him. We were both pretty darn glad it was lunch time because we needed a break. After lunch the saddle went back on, we did more lead bys, some flag work and then to the round pen. With some help from a couple of people (a little more help than I think I wanted) we got some nice transitions. His work ethic was definetly lacking, but with encouragement he tried with everything he had today.

After the round pen it was back to the ring and time to get on. One of my goals for the weekend was to ride my horse without feeling like I want to throw up. I accomplished it! We have tons of work to do from the saddle now but I had a good start today.

What I love about this year is the amount of detail Greg is getting into with us. Today he spent quite a bit of time talking about seat bones and the correct way to use them. He gave us a great demonstration with a coat hanger and a barrel. He also talked about how much weight to put in our stirrups so our seat bones just float on the horse instead of jabbing into the horse like the sharp heel of a shoe.

Earlier today I started to worry about coming home and having the ability to continue with the progress we made today. Then I told myself to knock it off! I feel that today ended right where I left off last year and I still have 3 days left to ride with Greg.

Okay, so I promised myself that I would write down at least one good thing that happened everyday. Today I have 2.
#1 - After Greg did some flag work with Chance he told me that there has been such a change in him from last year that he feels like a completely different horse now. Even with the braces he feels much better now, all the bad feelings Chance had last year are gone.
#2 - After lunch as I was on my way to get Chance and dreading the lead bys we were about to do again and wondering if I was ever going to get it right, a Mom of one of the other riders stopped me and told me I was a great inspiration to her. She told me how brave I was, what a nice job I am doing with my horse and that my love for him really shows as we work. Then she said that when her kids are little older she wants to do exactly what I am doing. I don't think I have ever gotten such a wonderful compliment. I thanked her for what she said and was so grateful for her timing because when I got my horse I wasn't dreading the lead bys anymore and everything just seemed to fall into place.

Thoughts

It is the morning of the 2nd day, I have been thinking a lot about yesterday. I realized that I have been so focused on the horses mind and behavior that I have missed a ton of physical stuff. I just find the mind way more interesting than the legs, barrel, and feet. I guess that is why I would never be a good dressage rider. I am horrible at line dancing and I have never been able to learn the macarana. Not that it bothers me, but I just realized that my learning style is even hard for me to figure out! Yesterday when a person was showing a horse my eyes immediately go to the horses eyes, then ears, then tail, then mouth. When I finished scanning those things it was time for us to give our assessment. I couldn't even remember if the horse had been tracking left or right! Sometimes I would see if the horse had any bend in it or I would notice a few steps. But I really missed a lot of the stuff in between the tail and eyes! And there is a lot of horse in between the tail and eyes! I guess my education on how a horse moves starts this weekend.

1st day of the clinic

Today was assessment day. There are 11 of us people & horses, we all took a turn doing some ground work. Then we did an assessment of our own horse and everyone watching also did one. I was more nervous than usual and it totally showed in Chance. He gave me 100% of what I was asking - pretty much nothing. I think the nerves got the best of me and I shut down. If I where to look at the positive side to today, he was mentally with me the whole time. Very dull, but with me. I was dull so I can't ask much more from him.

If I had to do it over again I would have brought my life up and added variety to the ground work. Not the usual boring circles and lead-bys. He will tolerate that stuff but if I want energy from him I need to be creative. So, tomorrow is a new day and I will remember what I learned from today.

To be fair to myself I need to add something positive. Before I went home I decided to take Chance for a walk. The last time I took Chance for a walk around Piper Ridge he was a bundle of nerves. Just like when I brought him yesterday, he shied at the trailer and had trouble walking into his paddock. But tonight he was curious, alert, taking it all in, but not fearful. I know the change is in me and it gives me hope for the riding.

Chance is at Piper Ridge

I opened the trailer door and asked Chance to come out. The 1st thing he saw was the beautiful green grass. He stepped out with his front legs, bent down and started eating right away, leaving his back legs in the trailer. Who cares where your feet are if there is a nice meal to eat?

After his whole body was out I started walking him to his turn out. A pretty large paddock with a stall and cover to get under if it should rain. We had to walk by a big spooky trailer 1st and then a sharp right to the turn out. I decided to walk past the trailer a couple of times with him so he was feeling okay about taking the sharp right turn. After about 3 trips by the trailer he was better and then we did a couple of retreats going into the paddock before he was really ready to go in.

Chance is one of those quiet types. Some horses are very easy to read, when they are upset or worried you know it! They will get big, dance around or try to leave. Not Chance. He slows down, sometimes he will snort and if he is really scared he will stop dead in his tracks. His feet get stuck. Then he will explode. My other horses were always the other type. Learning to read his behavior has been a quite a project. Walking him in hand is much better now that I can recognize when he is having a tough time, I can help him out before he gets to the exploding stage. My hope this weekend is to gain the ability to support him from the saddle so we don't go to the exploding stage when I am on his back.